Ok Folks, here’s one to set you up for Christmas. It has rather tasty language.
Boxing Day.
Through an ice webbed window of Father Christmas’s cottage, a little helper on a fag break spied Santa plying Rudolf with brandy.
After slamming down seven more shots, they staggered out into the diamond strewn sky on the eve of Noel. The wasted sleigh puller belched, farted and erupted into an x rated version of ‘Jingle Bells’ with matching body gestures. Elves emerged from the gift-wrapping room to cheer him on and film the spectacle.
Santa pulled up his sleeves, spat on his hands, which included bits of onion bhaji, swung his arm like a windmill and punched Rudolf in the face.
“Oo “winced the crowd as he swayed for a moment then hit the ground sending a flurry of powdered snow over them.
Father Christmas crouched by the reindeer and whispered.
“You, OK?”
Rudolf stirred, opened his eyes and like lightening on drugs, shot up to his full height.
“Which part of ’not too hard’ didn’t you get, tosser?”
The audience gasped in disbelief.
“It’s ok everyone, calm down, big nose here…”
“It’s red nose you nob” interrupted Rudolf using his eyes to point to the glow at the end of his muzzle.
“Whatever! Red nose here is forgiven that little outburst because…”
He bent down, picked up a thumb sized tooth from its blood speckled bed in the snow and held it aloft.
“What about a piece of bleeding string and door handle?” heckled a voice from within the congregation. “How come he gets to be shit faced on a work night?”
“How about you shutting up short arse. We’re running late. Back to work the lot of you.
“Well, I have tooth ache and can’t possibly carry on” piped up another elf.
“Me too,” cried vixen and Prancer.
Within seconds everyone needed a dentist.
Santa rolled his eyes and went indoors. Mrs Clause was Hunched over the aga, glugging sherry whilst preparing inflight steaks.
“How many times my sweet? Turn the extractor fan on high. The reindeer will have my balls if they find they find out how much I really love them.
~~~
Stubbing out his joint Santa squeezed himself from of the rocking chair and went to the window. The sleigh lay empty
Belly swaying like a wrecking ball, he stomped through the snow to the ‘workhouse’ to give the bollocking of bollockings. 33 helpers and 9 reindeer were out of their skulls and singing.
“Hey faffer ristams we luvs you!”
That’s it! As you’re all pissed, the only way you will have jobs tomorrow is if you get in pairs exchange blows and sober up. I want 42 fucking teeth on my desk and the sleigh ready to go in an hour. He turned and chuckled as the entire grotto laid into each other.
The parents sat stunned and motionless as the curtain went down on St Cuthbert’s junior school nativity play. The children came out to take a bow and the only clapping and woo wooing came from their drama teacher Mr Jakob.