The Blog.

my date with chris rock

Yes, it’s been a while. Did you think I would never write to you again? Did you think it was all over and that I had found another follower?

I have tried writing to you but as soon as I start to type I feel that you won’t believe what I am about to say, and I delete. The things that I get up to and happen to be are sometimes so farfetched that I question myself as to if they really happened.

Let’s take the header in this post for example. It’s the most recent thing so I know it’s true. I have even checked my emails to prove it to me. And yes I know it isn’t Chris Rock in the photo. Have you any idea how much it is to buy photos of him online and to reuse them? So this is a man on a rock. Lets just call him Chris…which who knows, might be his name.

So, two days ago.

Hi Ian,

We have a part going on the film ‘Spiral’ with Chris Rock. We are looking for a main character double.

(I knew it wouldn’t be for Chris as I’m too tall)

We will need you in London later today for a covid test then in Salisbury for the following two days.

If you can make it let me know so I can put your name forward to production.

YES, YES YES. I reply.

Next email.

Hi Ian, you’re released from this role as production are cutting the scene.

OK

Next email.

Hi Ian, Its back on. Can you still make it?

YESSSSSSSSSSS!!

Next email.

They have cut it again.

No more emails. I won’t be walking the red carpet with Chris Rock and hanging out in the Oscars awards parties after all. Was that my one shot of Hollywood? I hope not. I have my parts and I’m not afraid to use them.

Nest post I will tell you the passport story. I still don’t believe it even though it actually happened.

I won the lottery

close up photo of lottery ticket


It’s been a week since I last posted. I have been neglecting my duties as a blogger with followers in the tens. I have nearly achieved a lot since I last darkened your screen. Nearly booked a flight to Barbados (I still may go). Nearly bought a campervan. Nearly won the jackpot on the lottery…three fookin numbers short of £11 million. I have squandered the £67 I actually won on a tablet… no, not a cyanide one. A lightweight android tab that will help keep my baggage allowance under 10 kilos for the flight I may or may not go on. Canny traveller, that’s me. Travel light. Just need to get rid of my heavy-duty canvas pyjamas and I’m good to go.

Anyway, I am in the library and trying to write a serious story for a change. This is as far as I have got… There had always been a knack in pulling the draw strings for the opening the blinds. Patience and…

I wonder what will become of it. Where will it take me. I really can’t wait. That’s the thing about writing and why I do it. Creating the unknown from nothing.

If you go to Stories  page on my website you will see a very quick little shitty ditty I came up with after a far too big a cup of green tea

Oh the shame!

I had to put myself into quarantine for a day last Sunday. Self-isolated until the dreaded ‘C’ word weighed less heavy on my soul. Yes, I suffered from watching a ‘Calamity’ as Italy whooped Wales’s butt. Oh, how I cringe when I recall every moment. Loss of smell? No! Loss of bowel movement? Yes. Loss of control of water works (tears)? Yes. Oh, the shame. No amount of meditation was going to fix this one. They were the better team though.

Always a consolation when England lose as well though. Those carts full of sugary treats they sing about were coming to carry them home from the outset.

Oh, I’m just joshing, it’s only a game, right? No, its fookin not, it’s what February and march each year make me happy it’s a Saturday. The feeling I use to get on a Friday after a shit week of school was Saturday morning kids tv. It’s the same with the rugby now.

Apart from getting into trouble with the rozzers with a hand gesture I made to them, the week has been a great one. I was this far off booking a flight to Barbados 10 days ago when the skies were dull grey cold and constantly pissing down on me. Then out of the dark came the sun to warm me and feed my body with vitamin D. I shall be putting the trip on hold and when the first hint of a long stint of iffy weather is reported I will be off.

Sorry, but its hot outside and the library is empty. All the proper students are in Bute Park drinking and playing Frisbee. I shall leave this post for now, find an appropriate photo to go with it and bugger off to the park to pen a bestselling novel.

Tara for now.

breaking news

Before I do a rant. There is a new short story on my website called ‘School Report’.

I laughed a lot writing it. That’s what floats my boat as you know. It’s a humorous look at some feedback on a character’s yearly report to his parents which is destined never to be read.

Take a look at my bio link that will take you to my page.

It’s been a week or so since my last post. I have achieved something truly amazing and unintentionally. I have never felt more fit and healthy since I was a teen when I use to run everywhere. I didn’t realise in that stage of my life how important health is, both mentally and physically. Well, you don’t at that age because all you knew is that you will live forever. I will sound the trumpet when I have reached a certain goal in this ongoing achievement and let you all know.

The breaking news headline I use here is twofold. Yes, the above is hardly breaking for you the reader, but it is for me. The other news I refer to is that It’s been months now since I haven’t watched, read or listened to it. I have absolutely no idea what is going on in the world. Through word of mouth, I heard Prince Andrew has been a naughty boy and de robed. Is that the word? Secondly, I am aware that there is some stuff going on in Russia and Ukraine. I know it’s not good and, in my life, I have lived through many conflicts via the media, and it’s all passed. I am not going to involve myself in this one because I honestly do not trust the media. All news is negative, and I live in a positive mind. I pray that it is resolved (they nearly always are) soon and that the sorrow of all involved in minimal. That’s all I can do and say.

The weather here is really pissing me off. I don’t mind a bit of rain as long as there’s some sunshine around it. Constant dark cloudy days bum me out. It could be worse though; I could be watching the news as well. I have a choice there and I can always fly somewhere warmer and sunnier. As soon as I have finished this post, I am going to see what is available.

I have decided to self-publish one of my books which is a collection of unrelated humorous stories with a food twist each having a loosely related recipe to the story.

Over and out for now

Ian.

Win a personalized poem.

Tell me where you would like to see this humorous, food romantic story go ( in the bin is an option). The best suggestion will win a personalized short poem.

Visit my website to have a read and get in touch.

The last place i will ever sit.

Flash Fiction very short story that will make you go Hmmmmm

fall, bench, forest-4619415.jpg

Pause.

The sun peeped out from behind a dark cloud and felt my face.

I think it knew.

It found something shiney for me on a park bench and reflected itself into my eyes.

Compelled to see what it was, I left the puddles and comfort of the path and hobbled  to the flickering light.

I trod cautiously bending the rich upright grass into the freshly sodden earth with my thread bare shoes.

Wedged into the wooden slats were buttons from what looked like an old tape recorder and a folded piece of paper.

Nudging off the droplets of rain with the back of my contorted leathery hand, I crumpled myself onto the last place I would ever sit.

 I clawed out a switch.

I didn’t know how to read yet for some reason understood the word.

‘Rewind’

The note was dry and warm, yet the rain still penetrated the skies and found its way down the back of my neck.

I read again.

‘Press me’.

My left hand cradled the button, and my right thumb indented it into my palm.

 

The End

Should there be more buttons? Rewind, forward and stop. Looking at his past and future.

Pausing what he sees , eventually pressing the stop button? Or just leave it there and ask yourself the questions?

 

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